Death and dying...

My father and my mother are 26 and 25 years older than I am, respectively. I am also an "only child". As I am 56 years old, that makes my father 82 and my mother 81.  Yet because of my illness, I have lived with them now for fifteen years. For four years, I have been "on disability". I receive a stipend, but I would not be able to live in our home on my stipend alone. During this time, my parents have been a source of both financial and emotional support. But time is taking its toll. My mother is suffering from a recurrence of cancer, and must undergo chemotherapy. And my father is becoming more frail. Thinking about death and dying is unavoidable, as our time together seems to pass all too swiftly. 

As an evangelical, I viewed death with a sense of triumphalism. To be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord. But death also seemed remote...somewhat unreal. When I attended funerals (which are far less of a "church" function than among the Orthodox), I often heard evangelistic sermons stressing the gospel message (I Cor. 3:3 ff.) and our blessed hope. But now that I am faced with the very real possibility of the death of my parents, death has become less of a theological concept, and more of an ominous reality. At the same time, I am now an Orthodox Christian, and am still learning what death means to the Orthodox. It seems to be approached with far greater solemnity.

I feel as though I am facing the "perfect storm". I have not yet developed a "support network" in the Orthodox Church, and view the loss of my family with great apprehension. They are not, "Orthodox", although they are what an evangelical would call "good, Bible-believing Christians", who have both "accepted Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior". They would both affirm the tenets of the Nicene Creed, although they would understand the words "one Holy, Catholic and Apostolic Church" differently. I earnestly believe that I will see them in heaven. But that does not salve the pain that I feel in anticipating their loss.

I am ashamed of myself, because I am afraid of shadows. Rather than truly enjoying the time we have left together, I find myself fretful and depressed. Jesus says that we are not to be anxious for either food or raiment. The Apostle Paul says that we are to be anxious for nothing, but are to let our requests be known to God. Yet I am weak in this body of sin and death, and long again for joy, that I may not be a burden to my parents, who face sufficient burdens of their own. I believe, O Lord. Have mercy and forgive me my unbelief.

Loneliness

Sometimes I experience loneliness. Heart-rending, mind-bending loneliness. Often, as I understand, HIV/AIDS is accompanies by clinical depression. So I attribute much of my melancholia to the effects of HIV/AIDS. I am fortunate in having a supportive family. By the grace of God, my parents, although elderly, are still alive, and I am living with them. I am thankful that God has not left me without caring, human contact. Some are not so fortunate.

I recently had what used to be called a "nervous breakdown", or "nervous exhaustion." Now they call it a severe "anxiety attack." What stood between me and voluntary self-committal were some very helpful therapists, and my family. I openly wept in their arms. God forgive me. I cried like a baby--the completely helpless cry of someone at the end of their emotional resources. I cried out for fear of being left alone.

I said "God forgive me", because the resources of my heavenly Father are unlimited. The grace of God in our Lord Jesus Christ were sufficient for the Apostle Paul, regarding his "thorn in the flesh". Yet I am poor in faith, and sometimes it is difficult to trust all my cares to God, Whose arms I cannot see or feel. But that is just the point. We are to live by faith, not by sight. We trust in the Truth when all around us seems to fall apart. 

But we often forget the arms of those in the Church, ready to hear our confessions before God, ready to support and uphold those of us who fall in their own weakness. And we all fall--continually. But God has given us the Church of Jesus Christ, members of the very Body of Christ who are His arms and legs, His hands and feet. Christians are saved to be "Lone Rangers", but are to serve one another and bear one another's burdens. And the Church had been a very real solace to me in this difficult time.

You say you know and love Jesus Christ. Do you also know and love His Church, that He bought for such a dear price?

Resolutions...

How did "once or twice a week" so quickly become "once every two weeks"? Time seems to go by so fast, at least in comparison to my creativity, which sometimes comes unbidden, and goes with equal mystery. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, but I can ill put into words my struggles. I suppose, or at least I hope, that these struggles in my faith--with my faith--will result in my spiritual growth. I will write again after they work on my cable connection tomorrow.

All in His time.

I've decided to end my long silence and resume blogging. I shall endeavor to write something regularly (hopefully 2-3 times per week, if I can maintain some sort of discipline in my writing). I will be posting on two or three blogs, but don't worry. It is likely that I will repeat what I have written on this blog (otherwise the time required to be creative would drive me to distraction - and at the current price of gasoline, I can hardly afford to drive anywhere.....bad pun!). Most of what I will write will be my reflections on Christian discipleship, and my own walk in Christ (it is the only walk of which I have intimate familiarity). Much of what I will write will be from the perspective of an Orthodox (Eastern/Antiochian) Christian.

Please feel free to share your own experience of the Christian life with me.

God bless and keep you always.