Death and dying...

My father and my mother are 26 and 25 years older than I am, respectively. I am also an "only child". As I am 56 years old, that makes my father 82 and my mother 81.  Yet because of my illness, I have lived with them now for fifteen years. For four years, I have been "on disability". I receive a stipend, but I would not be able to live in our home on my stipend alone. During this time, my parents have been a source of both financial and emotional support. But time is taking its toll. My mother is suffering from a recurrence of cancer, and must undergo chemotherapy. And my father is becoming more frail. Thinking about death and dying is unavoidable, as our time together seems to pass all too swiftly. 

As an evangelical, I viewed death with a sense of triumphalism. To be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord. But death also seemed remote...somewhat unreal. When I attended funerals (which are far less of a "church" function than among the Orthodox), I often heard evangelistic sermons stressing the gospel message (I Cor. 3:3 ff.) and our blessed hope. But now that I am faced with the very real possibility of the death of my parents, death has become less of a theological concept, and more of an ominous reality. At the same time, I am now an Orthodox Christian, and am still learning what death means to the Orthodox. It seems to be approached with far greater solemnity.

I feel as though I am facing the "perfect storm". I have not yet developed a "support network" in the Orthodox Church, and view the loss of my family with great apprehension. They are not, "Orthodox", although they are what an evangelical would call "good, Bible-believing Christians", who have both "accepted Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior". They would both affirm the tenets of the Nicene Creed, although they would understand the words "one Holy, Catholic and Apostolic Church" differently. I earnestly believe that I will see them in heaven. But that does not salve the pain that I feel in anticipating their loss.

I am ashamed of myself, because I am afraid of shadows. Rather than truly enjoying the time we have left together, I find myself fretful and depressed. Jesus says that we are not to be anxious for either food or raiment. The Apostle Paul says that we are to be anxious for nothing, but are to let our requests be known to God. Yet I am weak in this body of sin and death, and long again for joy, that I may not be a burden to my parents, who face sufficient burdens of their own. I believe, O Lord. Have mercy and forgive me my unbelief.